I'm 94% positive I won't be there tomorrow for portfolios. I've been so incredibly sick over this week that I haven't done any work. I know that sounds like total bull, but I'm dead serious. I have been dying. My head is spinning, my whole body hurts, I've slept for about a zillion hours, among other stranger symptoms you don't want to know about. My body is fighting as hard as it can, but it will never win.
MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IS SLOWLY FAILING ME. THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IVE GOTTEN SICK THIS MONTH. THIS MONTH, MR MITCHELL. YOU KNOW HOW MANY WEEKS THERE'S BEEN THIS MONTH? TWO. YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES IVE BEEN SICK? TWO. ONE ILLNESS FOR EACH WEEK. CAPS FOR EMPHASIS.
I need help again. I hate needing help. Will you help a poor, dying young adult who is trying to make it through the tough portfolio times, or will you just kick me in the gut and tell me to get over it? I feel like maybe I deserve the second one for being so incapable of doing it myself. The real world probably won't help me, so I should know how to deal with these things on my own, right?
Well, no, not really. I mean, being a teenager is practically training for being in the real world. I don't have to fend for myself yet. I have people to help me learn how to fend for myself in situations I don't know how to handle. I guess that's reasonable, but I'm still afraid of asking for help. I know that it's not okay that I can't get it done for tomorrow, but I can't turn back the clock and make myself not get sick either.
SO MUCH PRESSURE. WAT DO.
Should I email you? That sure is a lot of bad news for one email. You're going to like smack me or something bad that teachers do. Like fail me. Which is possible. My grades suck as of right now.
I think... Let me check.
Yep, they suck. 74 in English.
Wonderful. I feel like such a loser.
Half of the grades I get in English are failing grades. My poor self-esteem is being beaten to a pulp. I apparently am bad at everything. Everything English-related, anyway. Which is everything.
Not having my portfolio in on time is not my fault though. I didn't expect to get sick! I had time to do it, had I been healthy! It could have been done if I didn't get sick, so I didn't put it off at all! Why do I feel like this is all my fault? I'm just going to turn it in on Monday, polished and ready, and I'm going to hope that you understand.
You know, it really sucks trying to deal with all of this alone.
I really hate the fact that I can't rely on my "friends" for emotional support, ever. They're like pseudo-friends. They're friends for show, nothing deeper than that. We're all too good to be close to one another.
I'm just passing the ball I guess. But really, my point is valid. Doesn't matter how close you try to get to one of them, they won't let you get within a 50 foot radius of their feelings without some kind of apathetic gesture or phrase.
None of us actually care about one another. At all.
We plan on losing touch. We plan on our friendship ending. The more I grow up and the more I start to see what the real world is going to be like... That thought petrifies me. Being completely alone is what I planned on, but it's also one of the hardest roads to walk without going completely out of my mind.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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