I forgot what I'm supposed to be doing on the computer!

Time to blog naturally. Cool. I dig just writing down words, you know? No structures. Just letting the words flooow outtt like a riverrr or a... a riverrr.

Yeah...

Okay so stuff. This weekend has been super weird. Apparently, I'm really screwed up in the head, like House in rehab screwed up. (I adore that episode (Broken) by the way, it's wonderful.) I learned this weekend that I am literally afraid of almost everything that I can be afraid of.

Well, not like phobia afraid, but like, deeper, emotional kind of afraid. Like, how people are afraid of commitment and rejection and things like that. Except, my fears are like amplified times a million. I found this out by acknowledging the things that have been causing me pain for months instead of running away from them.

I've also been suppressing a lot of things. Ever since last summer, I've been suppressing almost every difficult situation. And if I'm not suppressing it, I'm running from it, like I said earlier. My "flight" tendencies are really getting me absolutely nowhere. I need to start fighting back, which was brought to my attention this weekend. You can imagine what kind of impact this has had on my attitude. Naturally, I've been keeping myself in my room all weekend to try and fix my head so my mom probably thinks I'm being strange, which is kind of lame, but really, (and I know this sounds cliche but bear with me here), I just don't feel like she would completely grasp what I'm going through.

Going to school is going to be super fun. I'm probably going to forget about this revelation and backslide into my lovely empire of dirt.

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

I've been trying to figure out of my depression is clinical or not also. Every time I ask myself, I get this type of reply: "No, it's not clinical. You're just letting something fester." And then I recognize that it's about last summer; the abandonment, the loneliness, the loss...

I'm starting to recognize the pain that's causing me, and I think I'm starting to move on from it.

But I'm not at the same time, because the next phase of life is too far away. Well, maybe not. Maybe things will be different when I get my license. Maybe things will be different when I can just... Get away from here. Even for small portions of time.

So that's my emotional whatnot.

I think the right side of my brain is working.

I also realized that really, I've been in hiding for a long time. A lot of what I say isn't me, it's just a front face. People have come to know it so well, I think it would be weird to be myself now.

I don't know, I'm turning this into a Random Thoughts session. I think I'll just write that poem for VWP now to get out some creative energy.

Hey, that's what I was supposed to be doing!