forever alone.

We're the ones who still believe.

I feel like shiRt today. For the first time in a long time, I legitimately feel a depression wave coming on. I wonder why it stopped coming. Strange.

I've been pumping out poems a lot lately, so I've been mostly active on my other blog.

I also feel a dreading sense of loneliness that will not leave no matter how many people I surround myself with. It's like a hole in my chest that won't close. Like in the Weak and Powerless video, by A Perfect Circle. [link]

I haven't felt like this in such a long time.

Holistically I feel fine. It's just this metaphoric hole... It won't heal.

I don't know what to do.

But I know what's going to happen. I'm going to go home and I'm going to lay down and sleep for god knows how long and I'm going to stay in bed and hold Body Pillow and think about how I should be doing homework, then I'm going to fall asleep feeling guilty and sorry for myself. Because that's how my depression manifests, through guilt and shame and self-consciousness. It takes me by the horns and shoves me in a direction I don't want to go, and then it holds me there until it's finished with me. I hate it. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to wish Colton was back in my life every single day of my life, and I don't want to reach out to anyone anymore because no one reaches back. No one gives me the tools I need to even fix myself because everyone's too absorbed in their own problems, or their own joys.

No one listens to anyone anymore.

And if they do, they don't listen to me because I'm so different and so unfamiliar and ugly in their eyes. Because I'm not like them. They don't need to help anyone that isn't of their kind.

I'm lonely and I'm angry and I'm scared. I don't want to be any of those things, but god dammit, my own mother doesn't understand. We have the same genes, and she's just a completely different species.

I'M SO TIRED OF BEING ALONE.